The 30-day countdown has begun! Since we made this decision in July the transfer date has felt so far away, now it feels uncomfortably close…. Am I excited? Yes. Am I trying to stay positive? Yes. Am I nervous? Yes, in fact, every time I think about it, I feel physically ill.
The best way I can describe it, it’s like knowing this could possibly be the best thing to ever happen or potentially one of the most devastating. It’s like spinning the wheel of roulette with a million dollars on the line. Ufff, that’s big gamble. This last weekend I wasn’t feeling like myself, maybe it was stress, maybe it was nerves, maybe it was a tinge of depression or that I picked up a 24-hour bug – whatever it was, I felt off and I didn’t like it.
Friday night I opted to miss a good friend’s birthday celebration that I had been looking forward to, I just couldn’t do it, I wasn’t feeling well. I told Nick to go along without me and have fun, so he did. I spent the evening taking a hot bath and meticulously scrolling through the “embryo adoption and donation support group” to see if I could learn anything else outside of the 15,000 other times I’ve already scrolled through the previous posts.
When you are part of a support group you see so many stories. When I read these, I try to pick out similarities that resemble our life and our infertility journey. There are so many reasons why people desire donor embryo’s….. some have spent their entire life savings on failed fertility treatments and couldn’t afford it anymore…some can’t afford traditional adoption…some have been trying the traditional adoption route and its failed…some families already have children but want “one more” but they’ve already gotten snipped…some families learned they are carriers of genetic conditions only after birth of their first or second child and don’t want to risk passing that genetic condition to their future babes…some are single (older) females with their clocks ticking…some families have one partner (or both) who are unable to conceive…there are tons and tons of different reasons and there are tons and tons of different stories, not a single one is identical to the other.
I don’t necessarily find it helpful to spend my evening searching over support boards, in fact, it causes me so much unnecessary anxiety, but it’s hard to stop. By the time I put my phone down to call it quits, I’m convinced that our protocol is garbage and that our doctors have no idea what they are doing. I mean, Jane Doe said she took different medications for her embryo transfer and it worked and another person said that she had 4 donor embryo transfers that failed, so obviously that’s going to happen to us too. I rarely pick out the positives when I’m scrolling through posts.
Friday night I went to bed at 8pm and didn’t wake up the next day until after 9am. Over 13-hours of sleep… that is incredibly unheard of for me, I’m a 6:30am early riser, even on the weekends. I had some very bizarre dreams, but nothing fertility related…I dreamt we had bedbugs that looked like snowflakes with legs and my good childhood friend (Gus) died in an unmemorable way. I woke up sobbing, again. Thanks, fake hormones.
Saturday morning I felt much better, we did some major closet and basement cleaning in preparation to put our home on the market when we return from the Czech- we got a ton accomplished. That afternoon Nick’s cousin and her husband were having a party to celebrate the seasons- “Crocktoberfest”. Everyone brings a crockpot dish to share and you enjoy good company. It was great, so much good food and so many cool people. About an hour into the party, I started to not feel like myself again, I couldn’t shut my brain off ugh, enough is enough. We stayed about 3-hours, then I asked Nick if we could leave, I didn’t feel like socializing, which was totally not like me… if you give me cocktail and someone to talk to, I’m usually good for hours 😊.
The truth is, this was a family party, there were a ton of small children there and they were all so dang cute. I intentionally try really really hard to not let the fruitful fertility of others get to me, but it always does. It’s very difficult for me to be around so many young children and mothers, I yearn for what they have- I don’t care if that baby is crying/pooping/snotting/hungry/needy, I’d chop off my left arm to experience motherhood. The jealousy is overwhelming at times. Why do they get to reproduce so easily?
Over the years my emotional response being surrounded by children and mothers (specifically friends) has fluctuated, at one point in our infertility journey I would have refused to go or left the party almost immediately and cried the entire night. I’m thankful I don’t do that anymore, it would be a shame to miss out on these fun events. I’m thankful for the hard work I’ve done in therapy, because of this I notice these feelings before I have an uncontrollable reaction. I honor these feelings because these feelings are my reality. I own these feelings because they are mine and they are the result of years of heartache and disappointment that a lot of others will never, ever understand.
Whenever I have a (emotionally charged) moment, I try and reflect on what it means and really “sit in my shit” as my therapist would say. I try to take time to process, before I react. Yesterday, with the realization that our embryo transfer was less than 30-days away, I felt myself mourning again. I always thought I’d have a mini-me…an itsy, bitsy, tiny version of me that I’d stare at trying to find the traits that resembled me and the ones that resembled Nick. I wonder what our baby will look like? I wonder what our donors look like and if they’re good, kind/hearted people. I wonder where in the world (no pun intended) the two babies created by these donors live. I wonder if our future child/ren will ever meet their biological parents one day or if they’ll even want to. I wonder what our children will think about their conception when they grow up. I wonder if donors realize how much their precious gift means to families like us.
I wonder if this will work.
For those of you wondering how Dooz doggy-dog is doing, she is doing GREAT! Drain tube came out last week and this coming Saturday she gets her stitches out. She is most definitely getting all her personality back. Yesterday was the first time since the incident she actually took out her toys and chewed her bones. Yesterday was also the first day I had to holler at both dogs for playing too rough. It’s good to have her back to normal! 😊